Let the Children Play (Part 2): It’s a Need

As a parent or caregiver of young children, you understand how important it is for children to learn through play. But why do they need to play out topics that seem unsuitable for their age or controversial to our beliefs, such as the concepts of death, pollution, or sexuality? Aren’t they too young to learn about these topics?

The one thing all people have in common is that we have a motivation to learn. In fact, we are born with it. This is because we need to know how to learn about the world in order to survive. And children learn through their play which makes it a need (i.e. a necessity), no matter what the content or focus of their play.

Many of you have seen children playing in a way that does not seem age appropriate, and you may think that you need to stop them from learning more about that subject or understanding that the topic even exists (e.g. reality vs. fantasy).  Perhaps you feel they will become upset as they learn more about the topic, or will have nightmares, or will act out in ways that are inappropriate (i.e. if we don’t talk about it, it won’t happen). However, if a child is playing about a sensitive topic, I’m sorry to tell you but this shows that they already know something about it! And their need to learn will override any rules or policies we put forward to stop them from learning about something they want to know about.

The Need to understand the unknown

Why is it good to let children play through an interest? One reason is so we can observe their play to see what they know and what they still need to learn about the topic. Through this observation, we usually find out that the play is not what we think it is! Depending on the child’s age, they usually don’t grasp the whole concept of the topic. For example, I was driving home from a party where I was given a plant for a gift. My three year old son, in a tired bout of rage, said, “I want to kill your plant!” Although I felt unsettled about the statement, I calmly said, “Well, that would make me feel really sad because I really like my plant.” I repeated these same statements two more times until he became silent. After about two minutes he asked, “What does killing mean?” I calmly said, “When you kill something it doesn’t come back. So if you killed my plant, I would not have it anymore and that would make me feel sad.” And the conversation ended. He knew that ‘killing’ was a strong word but he had not grasped what it meant. The fact that he did not know what it meant made me feel better about the subject and also gave me some time to figure out how I would answer the next questions about killing and death that was sure to come.

In reflecting on this scenario, I realize that adults tend to jump to the conclusion that children shouldn’t learn or play about certain topics because we look at children’s play from an adult point of view. For example, when children engage in wrestling or play fighting, some adults see it as real fighting and assume that someone will get hurt. On the contrary, children see it as play and will stop before someone gets hurt.

Adults know about the world already, and if there is a topic we don’t know about, we are able to research it on the internet, discuss unfamiliar topics with others (because there is no one to stop us), and talk to friends about topics that make us feel uncomfortable so they can help us deal with that feeling or solve an issue. Children do not think like we do. For young children, they are still trying to figure out their own thoughts and feelings. They may not be able to discuss a topic, like gun play, or ask about an object like a gun because they are still trying to understand what it is, what it does, or how it works. In my experience, this is the first step before they can discuss a subject. Only after interacting with the object or topic can they start to question why (e.g.  Why do humans use or need guns?). This is like being asked about how a dessert recipe turned out before you have even made the dessert. So instead of discussing, children play out topics of interest to better understand them, and once they have done this, then they start to inquire about the topic and ask questions about it.

Once children understand the “why” behind a topic, they start to put feelings towards the subject to build their own beliefs. Then they will go back to playing with that answer to better understand that until the next ‘why’ comes. For example, I am curious how many children started to build walls in their play after Donald Trump started the “build the wall” campaign. While observing a student at their child care centre, I watched children build a wall out of milk crates in their outside playground. They told me, “This side is the US and this side is Canada”.  I wondered, did they understand why they were building a wall between two countries? Or were they just doing it because they saw it on the news or heard adults talking about it? In another scenario, a co-worker told me that she saw children building pretend bombs and pretending they would explode. I said, “Look what just happened”. It was after the Boston Marathon Bombing: did the children understand that people got hurt and bombs were dangerous? If they did know, then maybe the play was to figure out what happened and how it happened. Or, maybe the children just wanted to understand how something so small could cause such a big explosion. This is the same when it comes to gun play, especially after the recent school shootings and other gun tragedies in the news. This play is hard for adults to watch but it is how children understand these tragedies or learn how they would deal with it if it happened to them. To adults, children’s play is not always what it seems and that is why we need to observe and wait before rushing to judgement. 

The Need for ‘risky’ play

Another way children learn (specifically, learn to survive), is through developing physical skills and through ‘risky play’. You may feel that you are supportive of children developing new physical skills, but in order for them to learn a new physical skill, there is a risk that they might get hurt. In my experience, this is what makes most adults feel uncomfortable.  However, Ellen Sandseter’s (2009) research on the six categories of risky play is very helpful in understanding the need for children to take these risks and why. These six categories include: (1) playing with great heights, (2) high speed, (3) dangerous elements, (4) dangerous tools, (5) getting lost or disappearing, and (6) rough and tumble play (Sandseter, 2009). Although some of these categories do not include physical skills, they do come with the risk of physical injury, which makes us want to protect children from them. Yet their need to learn these risky skills will override what we let them do.  Even babies do this. As soon as babies can move, they innately start to test their abilities, even after getting hurt. They want to get faster and higher. My eldest son is proof of this. When he was 9 months, he climbed his first playground slide with me spotting him (this was also the day he started to walk). It was amazing. And as soon as both of my sons started to climb furniture and stairs, I let them learn how to fall (at small heights and onto soft surfaces) so they could learn how to fall safely and that there are consequences that come with climbing. Not an easy thing for a mom to watch but an important skill for all of us to learn! Letting children take risks though their play is the best way to help them foster all areas of development, but only if we trust them to try.  ‘Risk’ becomes ‘skill’ once a child has mastered it, so if you are not letting them climb, wrestle, toboggan or practice using tools, guess what they will do it when you are not looking? They will find a way to learn that skill.  So wouldn’t you feel better if they told you what they wanted to do so you could be their spotter or the resource they need to learn the skill safely? (I promise to discuss all these categories in greater depth in later blogs)

Children’s fears and the Need to play

The last reason children need to play out these topics or learn skills through risk is that it is a way for them to face their fears. By understanding what scares us or trying out new ‘risky’ skills, children find ways to problem solve how to deal with that feeling and /or how to handle the situation if it were to happen to them. An example of this is the game “Don’t touching the lava”. The children practice the physical skill of jumping from one item (such as a stump) to another without touching the ’lava’ (ground). By doing this, they are actually preparing to do it in more realistic situations in case they are facing a dangerous element that is threatening their safety (e.g. rocks in a river with a heavy current). That risk may seem scary to the child at first, but as soon as they feel confident enough to try, they are learning to face that fear until the risk becomes just a skill.  Recent research suggests that children who take physical risks have a lower chance of developing phobias, depression, and anxiety disorders (Sandseter, 2011; Brussoni et al., 2012). This may be due to the fact that children who are encouraged to take risks are constantly trying new things and consistently practicing how to cope and handle fear (i.e. practicing self-regulation).

What can we do to meet their Needs?  

Instead of stopping or banning play, please observe it first. Think to yourself, ‘Why are they playing this? Is it out of curiosity and to understand the topic better, to learn a skill, and/or to get over a fear? When we trust children to follow their interests and needs, we become better parents, caregivers and teachers and the children more effective learners with some really great knowledge and skills.

Stay Tuned for: Comfort Zones (Part 1): The Uncomfortable Self, what can I do…